Still trying



He was trying. He felt he was in a constant state of trying. But he didn’t plan on giving up. It wasn’t in his nature. He’d keep trying until the All Mighty told him to stop. This time he was trying to find his way out of the fog. It was only a breakup but it felt like a death. It was the pain of a death. He supposed that something had died in a sense…his relationship. But that seemed so trivial and made the pain incomprehensible. It hurt way too much to simply be the end of a relationship. Perhaps because there was never a real end. He had found no closure. “I’ll call you.” She said. But she never did. He waited. In between waiting he tried to go on with his life as usual. Now he was trying to find his way back to the living. A part of him died when it all ended. Now he was trying to resurrect himself.

“Depression comes in out of no where and for no real cause sometimes. You just find yourself blankly staring at life wondering when it is all going to end,” he explained to his friend.

“One day I was happy, the next I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t sad either. I wasn’t anything. That was the worst feeling in the world–the nothingness. I could have handled anger, regret, sadness. I would have welcomed any of those emotions. Any emotion. But nothing, that’s all I felt. Then one day it hit me; I was feeling everything. I was so saturated in emotions and my heart and mind were so tired that it’s like they were protecting me from feeling anything at all. At least that’s how I interpreted it.”

It was hard for him to describe how he felt to friends and family.

She’s just a girl. You’ll find another.

You’re just feeling sorry for yourself.

Try doing things that make you happy.

But he was trying and he wasn’t full of self pity.  It was just such a strong blow to the heart and he needed time to heal. He was healing. He was trying to heal. He wasn’t a quitter and trying was what he did best. He’d try to be happy. Try to love again. Try to live again.

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Song: Don’t Cry by Lee Hyori from I Need Romnace 3 Soundtrack

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december monologue Written by:

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